numbing the loss

yesterday marked my granny's first death anniversary. exactly a year ago, i was sitting at the waiting area outside the ICU and the news of her passing numbed me. i couldn't even bring myself to cry. after some time, all i could do was make phone calls and sit on the sofa looking at everyone around me sobbing. i was discouraged. i was upset. i was frustrated that my prayer was unanswered. but then the Lord spoke to me through His Word, that His mighty hand is in the whole situation. i submitted everything to God but i still felt the loss.

one year later, i still feel the emptiness. whenever i walk into the home i grew up in, i miss her walking around cleaning the house. i miss calling out to her. whenever there is an occasion, i miss her being there. i know she would want to be. she would want to carry her first great-granddaughter when victoria was born. her first fourth generation. she had been waiting for adrian's wedding. she would have wanted to be part of the preparation. she would have wanted to see me graduate. she would be so proud of me.

but i must be mindful that she is in a better place now. a place with the Lord, free of pain and suffering. and i will be meeting her one day.



this brings me back to something auntie violet mentioned yesterday over dinner. her friend did not want to be a Christian because her entire family, except for her late father, are Christians. she didn't want to be a Christian so that there is someone to accompany her father in hell. that is such a strange conclusion.

it brought my mind back to the bondage over my grandpa. i would not be surprised if that answer came from his mouth. i pray that one day, he would have the revelation that my granny is in Heaven, for God has honoured her quiet acceptance of salvation, which she did not have the life to live out.